“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
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Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Girl, same.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.