Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans

[getting ready for church]

Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.

6-year-old: Okay.

Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.

6: *gets dressed in record time*

Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?

wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing

Allegiant airlines charges for a glass of water but you know what’s free? Ice. Now we wait.

My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.

When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”

Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax

Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.

I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.

I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office

– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch

me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!

me when i get home: crackers

“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee

“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts

Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra

I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.

my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.

That moment when you google a recipe hoping for a list of ingredients and a method, only to find eight pages of guff which begins “I was five when I first realised I had a fear of envelopes…”

Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?

Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?

LinkedIn: where you desperately hope that one idiot you had a drink with six years ago can somehow help get you a job.

Friend – Your grammar is horrible.

Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth

*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*

Axl Rose: Where do we go?

Me: Left

Axl: Where do we go now?

Me: Straight.

Axl: Oh, where do we go now?

Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!

My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.

I took biscuits with me on a date once.

She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.

passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture

incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED

Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”

I think we should hear other voices.

They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.

Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.