“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
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I need to remind myself daily that I am pretty awesome and that I can do absolutely anything.
Except reach the top shelf, I can’t do that.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
I miss 2006 when everyone was young and dumb and easy to trick.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
“Shall we proofread this before posting?”
“Fuck it.”