Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need to remind myself daily that I am pretty awesome and that I can do absolutely anything.

Except reach the top shelf, I can’t do that.

UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”

It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese

Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.

Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.

Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.

During a meditation session

Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.

[first date]

HIM: Can I call you sometime?

HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone

My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.

Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!

*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”

I miss 2006 when everyone was young and dumb and easy to trick.

Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]

Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go

Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown

Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.

I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.

The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.

Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.

8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?

Me: Not since you were born.

I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.

I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.

Me: *stressed

My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?

Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.

Me: are you going to be a better listener?

Pause

5: maybe is the best I can do

just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running

“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”

A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.

So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?

I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.

Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place

“Shall we proofread this before posting?”

“Fuck it.”