Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU

I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.

BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time

ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”

half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both

The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”

Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey

Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.

Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.

Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?

Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.

Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-

Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls

Cop: is that… is that less weird?

Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.

cashier: how’d you like to pay for this

me: not at all

dad: *holds up condoms* what are these

son: …

dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one

Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.

my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!

also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!

[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”

The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.

I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.

I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.

If you purchase flame retardant pants, you can tell all the f****ng lies you want.

*first date*

Him: You’re very interesting.

Me: Thank you.

Him: And fun to be around.

Me: That’s nice, thanks.

Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.

Me:

Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.

Me: Check please!

Don’t forget to donate blood today to make room for more food

Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.

[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]

Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse

13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!

When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.

“Damnit!”

-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.

POUTINE TIMELINE

9 PM: I could go for a poutine

9:15: This is god’s delicious gift

9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them

9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning

11 PM: I could go for a poutine

I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁

Him: Shall we have sex?

Her: I want to wait til we’re married

Him: Ugh fine

Priest: Shall I continue?

“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”

“Sir, this is a cheese counter”