Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…

time traveler: i love your volcano

pompeiian: our what?

time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain

I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money

Fact: 80% of plane crashes happen in the first 3 minutes after takeoff or the last 8 minutes before landing. To make your flight safer, avoid being on a plane during those times.

Her: You need to stop playing video games.

Me: Why?

Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!

Me:

[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal

I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night

who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies

Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?

Take me now, covid.

Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.

Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.

if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.

Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??

Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.

Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.

‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’

– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.

i just found this in my phone

Me: *walks into a door frame*
Husband: Can you do that again? My camera wasn’t on.

Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?

Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.

Never thought owning a bakery would have me handwrite love letters for long distance couples sending each other breads but here I am. This is literally the thirdest I’ve ever wheeled without even being even there

*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction

Netflix: we added a show you might like

Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like

Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer

Me: go on

Netflix: who fall in love

Me: that sounds ok

Netflix: starring Paul Rudd

Me: *calls in sick*

I’m not enjoying this slow burn apocalypse… I need it over and done like a popular Netflix show

My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.

In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?

I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.

date: I’m an expert in volcanology

me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?

Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste

one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy

What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation

I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.

I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?