Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.

[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”

It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel

My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.

[Inside every wolf]

Me: Hey.

Me: Oh, hey.

Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.

I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.

True story.

I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.

Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.

And none of them ever call me again.

🙂🙃🥹

I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.

Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.

Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?

I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.

‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’

*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”

before meds: *hates everything*

after meds: *feels good about hating everything*

STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home

ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok

Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point

If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.

To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.

I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.

Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.

Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”

3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”

1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up

Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.

*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”

Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them

Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?

Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.

wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust

me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?

me: my pasta salad is cold

waiter: it’s meant to be

me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first

5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!

Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods

Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.

In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”