Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?

scientist: what do u know about atoms

me: very little

I’ve been single for so long I can’t even spell relionchip now

Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.

Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training

the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders

When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.

(Me to my fridge)

Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!

Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.

Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”

10yo: “A phone what?”

ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.

Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.

i slept so well last night

guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that

Colleague: any children?

Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids

Wife: We’ve got 3 kids

Me: I stand by what I said

My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up

HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT

Don’t we all.

I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.

Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’

idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah

I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.

Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”

Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.

If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.

Interviewer: what are your future plans?

Me: lunch

Interviewer: I meant long term plans

Me: what, like dinner?

🤣😂🤣

Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.

Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.

Source: grew up on a farm.

[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?

Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.