Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
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“Come on guys, we gotta go!”
“One more minute.”
“Brad was supposed to fill up yesterday.”
“Sorry guys, I forgot.”
“Goddamnit, Brad.”
“Um, guys?”
“What?”
“I don’t have my credit card.”
“GODDAMNIT, BRAD.”
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
I wanted to drive around and enjoy the lights, but nooooo that cop insisted I pull over right away.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
