Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night

When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed

[on first date]

I’ll have an iced tea, please.

Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?

You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.

I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.

*At the local breakfast restaurant

Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?

Me: Reese’s

Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved

I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?

Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.

It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.

Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone

Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?

excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me

Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones

Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas

Him: You’re unbelievable!

Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?

Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha

Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.

My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.

-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.

[date]

me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?

her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?

me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?

*awkward silence*

me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits

I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.

Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.

The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.

Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾‍♀️😂

What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny

Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.

I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.

*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?

*tree falls in the forest*

*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*

writers really said: what if homework… was a career.