Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
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So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
*cancelling plans* ugh sorry i’d love to come but im actually uhhhh in the running for vice president
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
mariah carrie
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what