Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Allow me to play for you the song of my people

*Sound of chip bag opening*

When the app is running smoothly, no one acknowledges the developers. But when it glitches for two seconds, suddenly we’re the most popular guys in the building.

They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.

Poor guy.

CAT 911: What’s your emer-

CAT: THE PERSON PET ME

CAT 911: What were you doing?

CAT: SLEEPING

CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE

CAT: I HATE PEOPLE

Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions

Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?

Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?

My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead

I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.

People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.

“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”

I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler

Time estimates:

“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never

A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress

3am

Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?

Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.

Police: Because you keep killing people

And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.

I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services

surgeon: says here he also has night terrors

patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!

surgeons: ahhh!!!

If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.

A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.

So why is it that when Star Trek ‘boldly go where no one has gone before’ they always find someone there?

If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.

My 7yo asking me when I’m leaving, how long I’ll be gone, the earliest I’ll get back, and how long it takes for me to drive home from where I’m going sends up all kinds of red flags.

I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.

CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult

Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists

Interviewer: describe yourself

Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person

All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.

Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.

If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time

Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.