Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my report

What I imagine it’d be like if I had a job

Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.

Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.

Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it

“They wanna come in but can’t get past the cats!”

[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsense

me: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: no

me: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT

If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.

A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.

I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…

Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.

everywhere a sign. ⚠️

I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.

I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.

What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed

“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor

🥴

Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?

Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…

Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.

happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog

A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.

When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.

Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.

Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life

Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.

Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.

Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?

Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.

Let’s ride.

So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.

*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”

Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.

he looks great for his age

Mother: We named you after my father

Me: Yeah, I understand how time works