Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.

technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting

Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..

doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips

me: [struggling] nope

doctor: try without the stilts

The world needs a more violent way to give people clothing. ~the inventor or the t-shirt gun

Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*

Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*

Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*

For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.

*steps on a spider*

The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.

Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.

Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.

my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine

Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.

Having a bad vocabulary is very bad

I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style

It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.

According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast

My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami

Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.

M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.

Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.

M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.

Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?

Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?

Me: Divorce

You’re not an “empath”.

You have “chronic heartburn”.

There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture

“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎

🔊 Sound up

Me: Do you like my jeans?

Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉

Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?

Her: ….

What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?

I always thought a fortress was a female fort.

My favorite part of Twisters was the throughline about the storm chasers being altruistic, ditching science to help people, like for instance telling them to go the opposite direction of the tornado, or find shelter, or “get down.” Where would these Oklahomans be without them

If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.

I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it

Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber