Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?

A: A cat. Cats love fish.

I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.

My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.

I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.

I stand out like a peanut in a turd.

My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it

My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.

Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.

I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead

Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine

“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively

What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?

How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.

Carefully cropping the username off a popular reddit meme and posting it here with the caption “all right who made this?? 😂🤣😂”

Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird

sales assistant: oh not you again

Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.

Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?

I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I’m stupid

“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”

HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?

Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.

People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.

If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money

Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*

I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.

[first day as a director]

me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup

Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.

Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.

I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.

What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs

You can now get 100% accurate weather information direct to your smartphone. Simply open the camera app, take a picture of the sky then look at the image.

DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile

ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus

DAD: what virus

I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.

*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP