Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭

Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.

She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.

And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.

Seaweed is great for when you want to eat pure salt but wish it had the texture of slime.

[Invention of Tennis]

“…and you just try to hit it back to me”

Wow, that’s really simple

“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”

For sure that’s the best part about it

“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”

Exactly! No weird stuff

“Yeah”

So how do you keep score?

If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.

I need a chiropractor for my brain.

Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.

Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click

I have a joke about trickle down economics.

99% of you won’t ever get it.

Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”

Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.

So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma

ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie

THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?

ME: Oh yeah

[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]

COP 1: give us a name

ME: big bird

COP 2: a real name

ME: millard fillmore

COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know

ME: nana

my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds

Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.

The people have spoken – if the 20th Anniversary Edition of Back to Bedlam is Number 1 next Friday, my new name will legally be…

Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.

*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day

“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”

Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?

Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…

I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.

Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)

How tf did it end up there?

No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.

Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.

Banderslack Clamberdorch