Updating my resume. Anyone have a more professional word for “dumpster fire?” 🤔🔥📝
You Might Also Like
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
My firstborn put our house on Yelp and left a review stating the food is great but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
It was so windy today when I was walking to the gym that I got blown into the wine store
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago