Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.

“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast

Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax

*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*

Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?

Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.

An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.

how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames

Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again

thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie

life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS

I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.

I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….

That makes 7,427 days in a row.

Me: But I was singing Britney Spears

Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”

Me: That’s a lyric

Bouncer: You were in the bathroom

The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.

Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋

*Puts on muscle shirt*

*Looks in mirror*

Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.

Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight

[Rain]

Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes

Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management

I’m having an out of money experience.

[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING

Murderer: What?

Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps

Murderer: omg lemme check mine

As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.

Also the dumbest.

He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.

*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*

Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-

[semi-truck drives by]

Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?

I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.

Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.

Him: I need advice.

Me: (eating red velvet cake for breakfast) You came to the right person.

Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime