Updating my resume. Anyone have a more professional word for “dumpster fire?” 🤔🔥📝
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Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
The left. The right. The ambidextrous. Politics is so confusing.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
The honesty is refreshing
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
Family Celebrity
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
This could be us but you eatin’
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no