Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane

“You block people over politics?” I’ll block people if they say something too mean about a Muppet

How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.

Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?

Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.

[infant diary]

Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.

DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news

SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time

“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”

i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want

Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.

Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.

I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans

I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup

The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.

Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’

My dream car is a taco truck.

I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?

I don’t care how comfortable it looks, I’m not buying a chair called a Lovesac.

Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!

[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan

Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE

If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat

so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans

I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.

DOCTOR: What’s the matter?

ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.

DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.

ME: Oh her water broke or something.

My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.

WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?

ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.

Hey girl, do you like bad boys?

[drinks milk from carton]

Or REALLY bad boys?

[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]

Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..

That’s adulthood….

no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass

I swear some people should be banned from cooking