Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
