Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
Gonna put this on a dog and blow some minds
Monday Lisa
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
What if all the cashiers are married?
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
