Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
They should build a separate grocery store for people who have actually purchased food before, know how to push a cart, and possess at least an ounce of spatial awareness.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
How software testing works
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
My doctor using a spatula to peel me off the wax paper.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
when u come home smelling like another dog
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
