Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
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Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight