Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
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This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
I took my dog for a walk last night and forgot something at home: the dog. I forgot the dog. Menopause is fun.