Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
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Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
“I’m not ordering fries, I’ll just eat some of yours” -Former friends of mine
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
Was just walking along when I got news that caused me to clasp my hands over my face in gentle despair, at which point a passing teen with impeccable timing shouted ‘Peekaboo!’ at me.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Hey! This isn’t my car!
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”