Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
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A new level of troll.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
My husband says he doesn’t understand why I hate grocery shopping so much, because he doesn’t mind it. And by “grocery shopping,” he means a quick run to the store for ice cream, treats, and snacks. You know, the “essentials.”
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.