Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
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The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
respect
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
swamp ghosts tricked me into revealing the location of my waffle stash, again
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Sidled up to a busker who’d just murdered a Franz Ferdinand song yesterday and whispered “this is exactly how the First World War started”.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.