Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”

-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.

Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*

when someone messages me a minute after i login to work

Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.

free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side

Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good

Me: am I going to die?

Doctor: without treatment, yes

Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?

Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice

Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell

If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad

FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.

I always feel a bit out of the loop when people talk about “life-changing experiences”, because they always cite their kids being born, watching the sun rise over Kilimanjaro or finding god, and I just sit there thinking “I started using naan breads to dip in my soup this year”.

*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*

Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils

Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.

Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”

“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1

FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”

My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.

First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay

I’ve got the longest to do list for today, just need to figure out who is going to do it

An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination

teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?

Edgar: *shrugs*

teacher: Poe, try

I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.

Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.

friend: don’t worry so much

me: omg why what will happen

*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile

All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried

Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.

Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good

wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!

Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)

If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.

My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”