upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
You Might Also Like
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
(in job interview)
my greatest strength is how quickly i can create a hostile work environment and my biggest weakness is that i love too deeply and im constantly befriending fake people. i have no experience as a barista.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.