UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
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Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
I’d like a truly deep-dish pizza. One or two fathoms.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start