UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
You Might Also Like
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Canada has crack?
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
[petting a cat]
Owner: He’s my little fur baby
Me: Oh ok, so you must be his skin mommy
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”