UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
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If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
is this a threat
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.