Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
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Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Snack for election night!
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”