Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
You Might Also Like
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
same energy
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
me: it would be nice if everyone else helped clean this house once in awhile!
everyone else: [cleans]
me: not like that
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.