What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
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‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄