ur honor, i call GOD as my witness
*jury gasps*
*nothimg happens*
*slowley, a man w/ beard rises from the stands*
damit no Gary sit down

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*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*


I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.


[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one


I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.


Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.


BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.


When something falls in your mouth by accident and you eat it, it’s a snaccident.


I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.


*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.