ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
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In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.
I asked him, “Can you perform under pressure?”
He replied: “Im not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!”
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
peak technology
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Not sure how it’s happened but my phone has started autocorrecting ‘thinking’ to ‘honking’ which has dramatically undermined about 90% of texts I’ve sent recently
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”