Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners

Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*

Me: here’s the thing Curp

Lowes employee: it’s Curt

Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are

[marriage counsellor looking at me after my wife is done speaking] why do you want to be on the masked singer so badly?

*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer

Dear young cashier,

$100.89 is not pronounced $189.

Signed, a lady you scared

Why are there so many questions these days… you go to get money out the atm and its like 17 questions… just give me my money you damn nosy machine

I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.

[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer

I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB

I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?

grandparents are too precious for this world

Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.

And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”

Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe

Bus driver: I really don’t care

does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?

Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale

Fun fact of the day: Hugh Hefner took so much viagra in his lifetime that his coffin lid still hasn’t closed all the way.

Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”

[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free

In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.

It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.

I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas

Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.

“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”

Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.

I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.

If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing

Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.

Him: I don’t know how to do that.

Me puzzled: when did you get here?

Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.

When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens

detective: can you describe the crime scene?

me: which one i seen lots of crimes.

Everyone younger than me is an idiot. Everyone older than me has lost their mind.