ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
You Might Also Like
It’s called the Summer Olympics so one of the events should be running in flip flops to catch the ice cream man
Parents: back in the day, we didn’t go to therapy
Me: it shows
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
Me (who lives alone): ok who ate all the almond butter
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.