ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
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The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
What’s so funny?
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
What about a To-Don’t List?
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time