“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
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thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
My lawyer dropped his briefcase and nunchuks fell out
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
When William Shakespeares first wrote the bible, he called the four horsemen of the apocalypse Smelt, Dealt, Denied & Supplied.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Whoops
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.