“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
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For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
I love you…
…r dog.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.
We’ve all been there…
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
You ever been talking to a genuinely stupid person and think “good for him. You know what keeps this guy up at night? Not a God damn thing”
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
starting my period on election day because i’m a true patriot who bleeds for this country
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?