Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear Aliens,

Now would be a good time.

Thanks!

I never picked my nose. I was born with it.

I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.

Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but

$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.

They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.

I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.

[at sperm bank]

“Do you have anything on clearance?”

oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums

Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets

People talk about how nice Keanu Reeves is, but when I ran into him in the street he wasn’t nice at all. He was very insulting about my driving and refused to sign an autograph until I’d called him an ambulance.

Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.

I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.

Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway

“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids

I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.

Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.

Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet

Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense

A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.

One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you

[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them

I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.

I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.

Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.

Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.

It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.

I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.

Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.

“Hi, where do you have the books we can buy?”
“Unfortunately we don’t have any books for sale here.”
“Really? What kind of library is this?”
“The kind that’s not a bookstore?”

I woke up and did 75 crunches.

Cap’n Crunches, but still.

The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.