ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
You Might Also Like
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
I wish you could comment on Zillow.
Like “Wtf are you smoking this house is not worth 990k”
The comment section would be very entertaining
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
I’ve been watching ER and was like “wow they never wrap up any storyline. How unique. It must be to reflect how it really feels to be an ER doc, you never know what happens to your patients.” Anyway, just realized 5 eps in Hulu was cutting episodes off 7 minutes early.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
