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They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
“Cows kill more people than sharks.”
“I’m surprised cows kill any sharks at all.”
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”