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If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
I don’t need to wait til fall to tell me my pumpkin is spicy.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.