Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Did you take out the trash?

Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright

Wife: The trash in the kitchen

Me: Oh that…no

Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?

*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE

Package delivery vans should play music when they’re driving through a neighborhood like ice cream trucks do

I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.

12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!

My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.

me: can i buy animal crossing

mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free

For real 🤣

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”

million dollar idea: worm dehorser

if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?

“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years

boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety

me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?

boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo

You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.

I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.

They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.

I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.

Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.

Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.

I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.

“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”

“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.

instead of being constantly irritated by other people’s flaws i’ve decided to become more self-absorbed

The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.

Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.

Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?

Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*

Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.

“the moon is made of cheese”

You’re an idiot

“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”

picking up knife:

picking up knife in movie: *SHING*