Urban Dictionary defines Heck:
Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.
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Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
There’s a woman at the bar who is cheering the debate at unpredictable intervals and I was completely unable to figure out her politics until we realized she’s playing bingo
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup