Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.

[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]

“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”

*fist bump*

dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground

I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle

I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.

I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.

At my job interview today the Boss said,

“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”

So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”

I’ve FINALLY found out what chronology is.

And it’s about time.

If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake

Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast

ㅤ

Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to

Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!

Wife: Talk to him

Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition

When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.

Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer

Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.

I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.

“what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” oh it’s ok you can just kill me next time

Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first

If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.

ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.

My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.

What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?

Feyonce.

*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*

Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:

– Tweezers

The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.

USA: …

World: right?

USA: …

World: RIGHT?

USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys

Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.

Me: 35%?!?… amateur

This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.

Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.

Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.

I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.

“As per my email…”

Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.

I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…

“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”

Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…