Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
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Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
Who called pee urine when it’s clearly holey water?
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
If snakes were wide
I started the day with a migraine, and I ended it by watching the debate. One of those was the most painful 90 minutes of my day. The other was a migraine.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier