“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
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Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?