Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright

“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.

wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing

“Pease porridge hot”
Sure.

“Pease porridge cold”
Less desirable, but I guess.

“Pease porridge in the pot nine days old”
Ok, now this is just starting to sound like a health code violation

My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.

I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)

being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?

[my funeral]

PRIEST: we are here for Robert-

*one guy in the back of the room boos*

I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.

GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high five

ME: he bought some dirt

GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok

ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself

me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan

Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’

Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph

interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?

me: self-quarantine

interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000

me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies

feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?

I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.

Me: I’ve lost the dictionary

Her: Can you look upstairs?

Me: I can’t look up anything

Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?

Wife: No.

Son: Why not?

Wife: You want to jump in here?

Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.

Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.

Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.

Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .

Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.

Me: Ah, the elusive white penny

Cashier: That’s a button

Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would

(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight

[At Wedding]

Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?

Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND

Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.

I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.

I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.

me: I’d like to represent myself

judge: ok

me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty

me: *removing mustache* wait what

[first day as a fireman]

So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?

[road trip]

DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.

The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.