Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
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someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him – said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Many people mistakenly believe that diamond is the hardest substance on earth, when in fact its microwaved egg on the sides of this bowl
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.