Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
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Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Nice tots you got there. Be a shame if someone tatered em.