Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
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Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
courtroom exchange of the day
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong