Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get so annoyed when horror movies begin with the family moving to a new house, and the parents say “This place will be good for us. We will finally be happy here.”

But you already know they’re not going to be happy, because the movie is called “The Ghost That Ate Grandma”.

age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]

employee: should I restock the vegetables

manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training

employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce

Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.

Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.

Cat: Secretly? No.

My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets

Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?

Me: I struck down a Jedi.

W: god I hate you.

M: yes, use your hate

Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured

Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.

Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?

watching old Beatles concerts is so fascinating it’s four guys shaped like suits going plinky plonky lemme love you girlie oh yeah and then it cuts to the audience and there’s a girl having the most intense spiritual experience of her life

“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs

My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor

I walked into a pub with my wife..

The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?

I said That sounds like a fair swap

Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.

The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.

The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.

djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background

[20 minutes after it stops raining]

ME: *turns off windshield wipers*

Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.

My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot

No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.

If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.

…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.

“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire

My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”

Whoever named the period of time before a funeral a “Wake” should never be allowed to name anything ever again.

*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*

*glues old gears and cogs to chair*

*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*

Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.

Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.

Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.