Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
You Might Also Like
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
My girlfriend just couldn’t accept my obsession with horoscopes.
In the end, it Taurus apart.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Thanks to modern recycling technology you can now throw away the same Pottery Barn catalog 2000 times.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
Yeah, but is it ILLEGAL illegal?
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Once again not all heroes wear capes
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
boat question
