Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
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I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
This guy just fulfilled everyone’s childhood dream 🤩
There’s not gonna be a civil war. None of us can afford to take that much time off work
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Pretty much! 😂👀
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk