Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
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told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
When they ask “how was your weekend?” answer “better than yours” & maintain eye contact
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
I’m no good at the pole vault either.
*me flirting
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
“Should we order some plates to share” omg sure I love that! Or I could just order what I want and be so much happier but totally open to either
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.