Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
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I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
She was rare, like a goth jogging
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama