Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got fired from my job at the massage parlor.

No specific reason, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.

A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.

Him at 1am: Wanna come over?

Me: Sure thing, sexy

-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring

I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?

My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler

I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.

10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’

“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”

Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.

me: but i want it

ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no

Me: hey want to go to sushi?

Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?

Me: well I’m down for a date if you are

Her: I only want to be friends

Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool

To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:

You’re not funny.

You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.

I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse

Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.

Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.

Cop: you know why I pulled you over?

Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?

C: step out of the car, sir.

Me: see, I told ya.

Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?

20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party

40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– that one really embarrassing thing you did
– literally everyone still remembers & talks about it
– you’d think they forget but no lmao
– can’t believe you did that lol

Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.

Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty

If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake

A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…

I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.

Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.

Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?

Him: Fishing

“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”

Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.

God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.

Pharmacist. There’s one particular cupboard in the pharmacy that is locked all the time with one lock & two padlocks. I’m the only person with the keys. The other staff all believe there are very serious drugs only I’m allowed to access in there. It’s actually my snack cupboard.

*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona

Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”