Urgh. Trying to buy a copy of Catch-22 online but the seller won’t post it until I’ve paid and I won’t pay until I’ve received it.
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Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
A great tip. #CakeRex
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I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
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I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
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