Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?

My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help

Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.

Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.

I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.

95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.

Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.

I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.

Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?

socratic questions

Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets

chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”

HO_SE BOAT

I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat

GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”

Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”

I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.

Me: I’d like a neck tattoo

Tattoo artist: okay, of what?

Me: I just told you

Tattoo artist:

Me: on my forearm

hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.

Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.

I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.

Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”

*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please

fly smarter, not harder

*Texting with my wife while she’s out*

Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !

Me: YOU’RE *

New parent: our kids are only going to eat healthy food

That same parent, 3 kids later: it’s ok to have cookies for breakfast

11: dad I have a confession

me: oh boy. What.

11: last night before you said it was bedtime I made a plate of nachos and put them under my bed. Then I ate them after bed time

me: 😂 how did you get your brother not to tattle?

9: I paid him off in nachos

💀💀💀💀

We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.

~ The Disclaimers.

banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”

if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out

Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.

Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.

*It’s 17 seconds