Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
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I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Oh we’ve met.
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Thanks, Facebook, for reminding me that on this very day back in 2012 I used a stick of butter to grease the 3 year old’s trapped legs from a bunk bed ladder.
Parenting is fun.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.