Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately

Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?

when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”

as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.

as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.

Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.

GUY: I wish girls liked comics.

GIRL: I love comics.

GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?

Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.

10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.

[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em

Guy: what do you know about crypto

Me: that’s a DC villain, right?

There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will

I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.

JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*

Guy: so what u up to after this?

Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.

Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.

wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on

blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.

Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?

I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.

Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…

It’s basically shitty Christmas.

I’ve been to Australia. That was their best dancer.

Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.

Me: *hands him my underwear*

Dr:……

Me: Its all there.

That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.

I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.

Me: “What are you drawing?”

6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”

Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”

6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”

I figured it was too good to be true.

Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.

You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.

When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking

Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.

A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief

showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut

KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?

KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.