Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]

stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you

Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.

Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.

Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?

My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.

Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.

employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!

employee: i’m sick

employer: how sick?

[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?

I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.

There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.

My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.

I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic

the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling

Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?

I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.

Thanks YouTube

20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists

30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn

40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people

If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.

I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “

If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.

Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.

-An Inner Monologue

Are we done? Can we go?

-A memoir.

So it turns out that all my early 20 something co-workers have been speculating behind my back that I was a teen mom, but I can’t even be mad about it because it means they thought I was 28.

The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.

If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶

Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]

My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.

A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.

The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.

Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.

If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?

Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy

Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you

tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate