Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: ‘Goodnight.’

Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’

Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off

Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?

Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ

**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.

The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.

Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”

My daughter just found the dog leash and collar

Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog

People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer

How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.

Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!

bird keeper: ok hear me out.

Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”

the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths

If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.

“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”

I hope Alan is OK

Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …

[Luxury hotel planning meeting]

Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.

Soft towels?
Definitely.

Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.

A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.

Delightful if true: booby trap.

Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!

– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)

Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”

BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.

“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”

*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*

Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

“can you explain this gap in your employment history”

yah i was a toddler

Muppet Screams

It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.

‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.

ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?