Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Y’all wanna hear something funny?

Lol me too

[at Doctor’s office]

“When’s the last time you had sex?”

Last night.

“With a male or female?”

Oh…with another person?

HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?

ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations

If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.

posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.

My favorite animal is fried chicken.

*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?

My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17

In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.

Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.

Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?

Me: Because you’re also a wreck.

You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address

I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top

[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?

Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.

I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.

“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me

groan^2

“Ninja please” -Japanese people

Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.

Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries

Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing

My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.

After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.

On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?

I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.

I thought you said “Face punch me”.

this sign has the same social anxiety i have

friend: the bathroom is upstairs

me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*

My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?

Me: