Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.

[petting a cat]

Owner: He’s my little fur baby

Me: Oh ok, so you must be his skin mommy

Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?

Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.

Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.

Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!

[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?

[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!

Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited

Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy

My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy

Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.

Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?

My kids have been very keen on mandarins (which 3yo calls “baby oranges”) for the past two days so I bought a 5lb bag. If you have children I’m sure you can guess what is going to happen next

Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows

😂

[bank heist]

rob: what’s the plan

me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank

rob: it’s “rob”

me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank

ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*

This is a bad sign

We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.

We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!

We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.

My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard

My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.

Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it

I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.

Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.

FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?

Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?

Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.

[marriage counseling]

He barely knows who I am anymore

“That’s not true, Karen”

LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA

if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl

Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.

Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.

[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been

Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.

[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years

Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.

I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.

Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.