Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
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My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Liquor Store Parking
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
About 6 years ago, a new lad at work would have been sacked if I hadn’t spotted what he was doing wrong and stepped in. Now, he’s my manager & records my weekly performance. Without fail I’m 100-110%. It’s really nearer 30% with the rest of the week spent playing FIFA. Cheers bud
Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Seeing a lot of posts about “rawdogging a flight” but can we discuss those absolute weirdos who rawdog the movie theater?
No popcorn, no drink, just watching a movie for two hours. At least smuggle in some Twinkies under your jacket.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.