Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog

Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…

*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.

It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?

I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.

Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.

There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to

[on a date]

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”

[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok

Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.

Just cleaned out my desk.

Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.

Good news: I found the plane!

IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK

PLS TELL EVERYONE

Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party

My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.

-gets $127 phone bill

1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance

2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month

The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.

i have never needed anything in my life more than this

*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No

So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child

In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”

All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend

My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude

I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.

imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.

My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep

Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind

6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?

Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?

Me: They’re for my meeting at work.

Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?

Me: And?

Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.

[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”

[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5

My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.

When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.

God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?

Cat:

God:

Cat:

God: *creates dogs*

Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.