Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!

My dad asked my mom for an experience instead of a gift for his birthday so she booked him a colonoscopy

I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.

Here, there, and everywhere.

There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.

recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro

cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow

Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?

March 16

interviewer: why do you want to work here?

me: to be able to afford food

interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job

me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?

Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.

You’re welcome…

Friend: You have guacamole on your face.

Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.

Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”

Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.

Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.

Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.

I need to know what happened here in 1620.

One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history

Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.

I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car

if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies

Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”

And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”

There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.

[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died

waiter : here’s your bread for the table

table : nom nom nom delicious

Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?

Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.

The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon

According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”

I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.

*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?

Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?

Dinner Date: I love Youtube.

Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.

Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugar

Me too kid, me too