US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
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My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
I was doing a family shoot and asked the kid (8) to step out the frame so we could get a shot of the parents kissing. The dad is kissing the mom and the kid goes ‘it’s been a long time since I’ve seen them do that’