I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
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I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion